Transcript
[00:00:01]
You're listening to the Her Leadership Coach podcast for the quietly determined career woman who's looking to step up into her first or nextlevel leadership role. If you're looking to make a bigger, more positive difference in your life organization, you've come to the right place. Well, hello. Welcome in. It's Rochelle.
[00:00:24]
Thanks for joining me on today's episode, where we're talking about thinking. Well, more specifically, we're talking about thinking about thinking. The first and I think most important pillar of the Accelerate Your Leadership method, which is what I teach inside the Facebook Group and courses and academy, is to be the leader from the inside out. So here's what I believe about being a leader. It's just that it's a way of being.
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It's who you are on the inside that makes you a leader. And yes, there are things a leader does. We have the difficult conversations. We help to shape the vision and the inspiration, hopefully to reach that vision for our team. We support and challenge our team to continue to grow into being leaders themselves.
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However, if we're not a leader on the inside, if we're not being a leader, I find those things we're doing tend to ring as an authentic we're ticking boxes. Right. Difficult conversations are just awkward and often don't end well, and that's if they happen at all or we have a vision that feels like it's just a job done rather than an inspiring place to head towards. And while we might support and challenge our team if we're doing leadership, I find it's often just a twice a year job when it comes to performance review time so that we can tick this thing off our list and move on to more important things to do, right? So what does it mean when I say you need to be a leader on the inside?
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Well, there's a lot that goes into this puzzle, but this week I'm talking through one of the pieces that make up the leader on the inside puzzle. I was listening to a book this week all about metacognition, which is thinking about our thinking. I kind of love that word. For those of you that are fascinated by people and how we work like I am, and you would like to read this book, it's called Know Thyself, and it's by a guy called Stephen Fleming. It's apparently one of the most interesting things or different things about humans, right, is the fact that we can think about our thinking.
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We don't think animals can think about their thinking. So one of the questions I asked in the Women in Leadership Facebook group this week was, do you do much thinking about your thinking? But let me give you an example, because I think sometimes we think we're thinking about our thinking, when really we're thinking about our behaviors. So if you're thinking about something you said in that last conversation with your colleague that got a little heated, maybe you answered a question wrong because you misheard it and didn't realize until they gave you a strange look, muttered a bit of a swear word under their breath, and walked away. And now when you've gone back over the conversation and you've heard it slightly differently, you're wishing you could take it all back.
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Okay, so that's thinking about behavior. That's thinking about something that you did. And how often do we do that when we get into the overthinking mode, right, where we're going over that conversation again and again, somehow hoping that by revisiting it, we can solve it or somehow go back in time and change things. Or sometimes overthinking is about some imagined conversation or event that's going to happen in the future. Boy, was I good at overthinking those.
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Both of those examples of thinking, though, are about our behaviors where the past or future? On the other hand, if you're thinking about why you're thinking about that conversation, that's metacognition. So those two different things of thinking about your thinking about, they will provide you with completely different end results, right? So if you're thinking about something that's happened in the past, such as that heated conversation, you're probably going to get results of feeling guilty, feeling ashamed, feeling frustration, perhaps even some sleepless nights ahead for you. If you're thinking about that one a lot, thinking about why you're thinking about that conversation with curiosity, without judgment, almost like you're an impartial observer to your thinking.
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So you're standing outside observing this person's thinking. Doing that can bring insights and awareness. So, for example, I might think, interesting, I'm still thinking about this conversation. I'm thinking of ways I could have said things differently. Well, why is that important to me?
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What was it about that conversation that's really triggered me? I think part of it is it made me feel stupid. And if I'm really honest with myself, if I'm being an impartial observer here, I think I tried to talk about something as if I knew more than I did, and I got caught out. So how do I let go of the need to prove myself to this person? So, yeah, completely different result from those two thought patterns, right?
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Metacognition is one of the building blocks of self awareness, and self awareness is a key building block to being a leader on the inside. So self awareness is our ability to observe and accurately identify. And that part is important to our thoughts, our feelings, and our behaviors and determine whether they are grounded in reality or not. Because a lot of our thoughts and our feelings and our behaviors are actually based on beliefs that aren't true. So alongside metacognition, so alongside thinking about our thinking, it's also thinking about our feelings, which are shaped by our thinking, and it's thinking about our behaviors, which are sparked from our thinking and our feelings.
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So, yeah, sure, you might want to write that down if you're not familiar with these ideas and sit with them for a while because when I first understood this clearly, it was really the beginning of an eye opening journey for me. So I'd love this to be the beginning of a journey for you. So I'm going to say that again. Selfawareness is being able to observe our thinking, our feelings, and our behaviors. And it's really helpful to understand that our feelings are both shaped by and can influence our thoughts.
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And then our behaviors are as a result of both our thoughts and our feelings.
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So hopefully you've written that down. What is the point of all this self awareness, all this thinking? I mean, it's a lot of internal hard work. Is it worth it? Well, according to research conducted by Sutton, Williams and Allenson in 2015, self awareness can make us better at our jobs.
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It makes us better communicators in the workplace. It can enhance our self confidence and our job related well being. And thinking about our thinking in particular helps us have greater empathy for others, improves our problems solving skills, and makes us more motivated to learn, which isn't bad for a whole lot of thinking, right? So I'm wondering now that you sort of understand this concept of thinking about thinking and this concept of self awareness, are there any particular tactics that you use that will help you to practice those thinking about things? One of mine is to have discussions with my husband.
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So we've learned to not only talk about things, but also often we'll talk about what's underneath the engine. So while we might sort of have a conversation, then we will both maybe ask each other the questions around, is that true?
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Are you thinking about that feeling or are you thinking about that behavior and what caused that behavior? I really like Brene brown's line. She says, the story I'm telling myself right now is that helps me to see what I'm thinking in my head as a story rather than a truth. And that helps me hold the thought more lightly. So rather than getting into that overthinking cycle of future conversations where I'm like, well, he just did this and that means that, and then I need to say this and he's going to say that, and oh my goodness, we're going to get a divorce, it can spiral out of control.
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Whereas if instead I say to myself or my husband, the story I'm telling myself right now is this you did this behavior and this is what I've made that mean. It means I get to hold up my thinking for both of us. And that allows an open conversation about the thinking itself. Now, don't get me wrong, it's simple, but it's not easy. It feels really vulnerable to do this.
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And so sometimes it can take me a while to work up the courage to air my thinking. But that line of the story I'm telling myself right now really does help make it easier. So I do really encourage you to give it a try if you feel like that's something that you might gain from. I found when we practice metacognition and self awareness, we really can uncover our biases. So it helps if I'm walking down the street and I see a man coming towards me and my first feeling is one of fear.
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And then there are thoughts generally that follow that feeling. And if I can click into what are those thoughts that are coming after that feeling of fear, I might see some biases in there around, oh, that guy's got tattoos. And I've been part of some movies or something where violence is showing with people with tattoos. And so my bias is that men with tattoos are more violent. And that's not necessarily true.
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It might be, but it might not be. So it helps to uncover those biases. It also has to bring our behavior back into alignment with our values. So if I value giving everyone a fair go, I definitely have a strong value of fairness. Me having those sorts of this man appears to be more violent to me because he has tattoos, isn't in line with that fairness value because he's done absolutely nothing.
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There's no behavior that he has exhibited that causes the fear. It's simply the act of having a tattoo. So I can work to bring my behavior back into alignment. And it helps build better relationships, because if I can think about my thinking and how flawed my thinking is and how I notice that I have biases, even though I really don't want to have biases, that helps me understand that other people also have biases that they might not want to have, that they are also flawed, as I am flawed. And I can build empathy for them through that connection.
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And that empathy builds better relationships. So some really big wins come out of this practice. So how can we get better about thinking about all of the things? So here are three quick ways that you might want to use to get started. The first is journaling.
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So spending some time whenever at the end of the day, first thing in the morning, capturing different thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that have come up for you. And then writing down your observations, digging a little deeper into those thoughts. Thinking about the thoughts, feelings and behaviors with no judgment that can help you see what's behind them. If you're not a writer, feel free to record that. You don't have to write it.
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You can type it, you can record it, whatever way works for you from a journaling perspective. The second way I touched on earlier is talk it out, as I do with my husband. Spend some time talking your thoughts and feelings out with someone you trust. Not only do I get to reflect on them out loud, when I do that, I also get to listen to my husband do the same, and that really brings us closer as a couple. We've also got pretty good at asking helpful questions as we go, which I mentioned earlier.
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A coach can be really helpful for this as well. So I think sometimes when we are talking with a loved one, they do bring judgment with them. It's very difficult not to when you're in love with someone. When you have that, you have preconceived ideas about what you think is best for them, and it's really hard to let go of that in a conversation. So having a coach can be really helpful to talk through your thinking about all the things.
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Number three is to sit in silence. So we are always so freaking busy. No exception to this. We're busy at work, busy with family, we watch Netflix, we're on our phones constantly. There's just this constant external stimulation and that leaves us no time for thinking about anything, let alone thinking about our thinking.
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So if you really want to hear your thoughts and dig deeper, you might want to put aside some quiet time. Find a nice spot in the garden, in the house, somewhere out of the way of all of the people, and take a cup of tea or a glass of wine, or for me, a nice glass of Prosecco and take some time to reflect in the quiet. Okay, well, that's not an exhaustive list, but it's a start. We do look at this deeper, as I said in the Accelerate Your Leadership Academy, as it really is to me, a foundational piece of being a leader on the inside. So thinking about those three things, I'd love you to choose one and commit to practicing it over the next few weeks and then join us in the Women and Leadership Facebook group and let us know which one you're choosing and how it goes.
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I'd love to hear. I genuinely want to know which one of these works best for you, because they don't all work for everyone. Now there's one more thing I want to add before I wrap up for today. There's a guy you might have heard of him called Mark Manson. He's the author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a I'm not going to swear on this podcast, but FSTAR CK is how it's written on the book.
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So that we'll do for the day. He suggests when we're practicing self awareness, it's best to just go a few layers down until you start repeating yourself. So he illustrates this recounting, a story from 16th century India, where a young man, anxious to understand the secrets of the world, climbs a large mountain to speak to the sage at the top. Upon arriving at the top of the mountain, greeted by the sage and advised he could ask him anything, the young man says, Great sage, we stand upon the world, but what does the world stand upon? The sage immediately replied, the world rests upon the back of a number of great elephants.
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The young man thought for a minute and then asked, yes, but what did the elephant stand upon? The sage replied again without hesitation, the elephants rest upon the back of a great turtle. The young man, still not satisfied, ask, well, yes, but what does the great turtle rest upon? The sage replied, It rests upon an even greater turtle. The young man, growing frustrated, began to ask, but what does no.
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This age interrupted. Stop there. It's turtles all the way down. So I really like that story. Self awareness is a really important piece of the puzzle, but you don't want to drive yourself crazy getting stuck in a loop of uncovering motivations and intentions only to go back to the same thing again and again.
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So make sure you stop when you get to the turtle. All right, thanks for joining me this week. If you want to continue the conversation about metacognition and self awareness or even turtles, come and join us in the Women and Leadership Facebook group. You will find a link in the show notes. It is an amazing community of women thinking about thinking, and many other things.
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So you will love it there. If you got value out of this podcast, I would love it if you could share it with others. And, of course, if you've been listening to podcasts for any amount of time, you'll know that rating the show and leaving, having a review helps others find the show. And I would really appreciate it if you could do that. Until next week, continue to lead the way her way.
